Share your thoughts
If you want to post comments, you must sign up first
chiyan
Written Apr 15 2010, 06:53 AM
what a narrative poem about that
but there's impact on the story still
bradkin
Written Mar 09 2010, 12:01 AM
Very nice -- great imagery -- your words made it feel so reel. And the originality of it was a grabber.
redrockingchair
Written Dec 12 2009, 10:10 AM
very good poem. the ending needs a little work but still it is very good. :)
liiberar
Written Aug 23 2008, 08:21 AM
Just read this and what the others said, thought that was really cool! Maybe you could try to keep it with that similar build-up style witht he other stanzas you're planning on putting in ( from what I've surmised in frezbo's comment ) It's a great write, and will be even better lengthened --- you're almost there! Crush that Block!
frezbo
Written Aug 22 2008, 08:57 PM
actually spen, I thought the same sequence as you at first! I'm not sure why I changed my mind - I guess I wanted to keep my favourite parts together. Your sequence does seem very valid though.
I have to agree with you, it makes sense in every way I look at it too! :)
spenny
Written Aug 22 2008, 08:06 PM
Hmm, I can see where you are coming from frez, but if you look at the first line of each stanza my way it makes more sense.
Try me on for size.
Let's walk together.
Let me embrace you.
Step into me.
In my mind it is a slow build up of actions, the strongest being last. I have to say it is a great poem anyway I look at it, this just makes sense in so many ways. I really don't want to start a debate, but maybe that's what you are after sis.
spenn.
frezbo
Written Aug 22 2008, 07:50 PM
I like it even better reading it again :P
I really love the shoes stanza...
I'm not sure where you could put the scarf stanza. Maybe between shirt and shoes? I do quite like the end of the pants stanza, so I'd keep that where it is.
frez
frezbo
Written Aug 22 2008, 07:22 PM
I quite liked this, I think you're coming towards the end of your block! The ending seemed good to me, nice and succinct :)
If you feel like it later, I'd like to see this poem lengthened a bit!
hotmess911
Dude this is pimp. I love this:)